Insights: Helping Self-Critical Parents Cultivate Self-Compassion And Why It’s Important – Dr James Kirby

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As rewarding as parenting may be, it can be difficult at times. Whether it’s toddlers having tantrums, or angst-ridden adolescents, raising children can  create all sorts of challenges that leave parents feeling stressed, frustrated, and questioning their parenting ability.  Add into the mix the conflicting advice that parents are bombarded with, and the fact we tend to parent in isolation now rather than surrounded by family, these doubts can soon slide into harsh self-criticism, which can have a negative impact on mood and lead to problems such as anxiety and depression.

Now a new randomized controlled trial (RCT) has shown that a brief compassion-focused intervention – just a two-hour session plus homework – can lead to significant reductions in parents’ self-criticism. We sat down with Dr James Kirby, a clinical psychologist and the co-director of the university’s Compassionate Mind Research Group, to discuss how the intervention was carried out, and what it might mean for therapists and parents. For those wanting to learn more, Dr Kirby has also co-authored a new book: Essentials of Compassion Focused Therapy: A Practice Manual for Clinicians.

Why parents criticise themselves

The parenting years are often a hotbed for self-judgment. Our children are so important to us that it’s easy to become hyper-vigilant about the way we’re ‘performing’, but this doesn’t mean we’re bad parents. Dr Kirby observes: “When we looked at the parenting of those who enrolled in the research, our whole sample was in the normal range. They weren’t parenting in a way we would describe as problematic, yet they were really critical of their skills.

“We monitor anything that we’re invested in and want the best for. It’s easy to fall into a trap when we have a setback, disappointment, or a challenge. When we miss out on our goals and aspirations, that’s always a trigger for a self-relating style that’s critical. Of course, kids constantly create difficult challenges every day.

“Social media exacerbates the problem. There are a lot of calls on social media that ‘this is the worst generation ever of parents’, and that they are ‘doing it all wrong’. The constant active shaming of a group of people inevitably leads them to question their actions and behaviors (e.g., ‘Am I doing something wrong?’, ‘What am I doing wrong?’, ‘Maybe I am useless’). A lot of parents feel judged nearly all of the time from people around them, whether that be friends, community, teachers, or even the dentist (‘Are you feeding your children too many lollies?’). All these little judgments can chip away at a parent’s sense of self and lead to them thinking ‘yes I’m a bad parent’ and ‘I shouldn’t have done that’.”

Such judgments are widespread: a 2016 study of 2,200 U.S. parents by the child development organisation Zero to Three found that 90% of mothers and 85% of fathers felt judged by strangers and other parents. Half of them felt judged almost all of the time.

When self-criticism becomes a problem

This self-criticism can quickly turn into something harmful. “A little self-monitoring isn’t a problem,” notes Dr Kirby, “as it can help us to recognise when we could do something better next time. If you start calling yourself names or despairing about yourself in an aggressive or disgusted way, that’s when it becomes really problematic. That emotional feeling towards yourself is what does a lot of the damage and can lead to depressed moods and anxiety.

“Not only is harsh self-criticism bad for the parent’s mental health, – it can affect the children too. Research has found that it is associated with harmful parenting styles, specifically psychologically controlling parenting, in which parents induce guilt or withdraw love to dominate the child. Even for parents who aren’t controlling (like those in the study), addressing self-criticism to have a more compassionate mindset can help parents relate to their child during stressful times. They’re more likely to let their child’s mistakes wash over them, and instead engage in more responsive, positive interactions.”

The Intervention

With that in mind, the researchers set out to explore if a short session aimed at cultivating self-compassion in parents could affect both their and their children’s wellbeing. 102 parents were randomized to either the intervention group or a waitlist control group; parents were eligible if they had at least one child aged 3 to 9 and if they scored higher than 5 (on a scale from 1 to 10) for the question ‘how self-critical are you of your parenting?’

The average age of the parents was 38, and the average age of their child was 5. Some 63% were employed (either full-time or part-time) and 87% were married. Most were women – though Dr Kirby stresses that this was probably just an issue of practicalities (moms were around more to participate in the study), and not because self-judgment is more of a ‘female’ issue. “Fathers are equally as self-critical,” he claims, adding that he has recently started another study specifically on “self-compassion for dads”.

Parents completed various measures of self-criticism, compassionate engagement, and parenting styles. Unlike previous RCTs on parental self-criticism, this study also used the Strengths and Difficulties Questionnaire to measure the children’s outcomes as well. This assessed emotional symptoms, conduct problems, hyperactivity/inattention, peer relationship problems (e.g., being picked on or bullied by other children), and prosocial behavior, (e.g., being kind to younger children).

During the seminar, seven specific practices (available for free here) were completed. These included foundational compassion focused therapy practices such as cultivating a compassionate posture, soothing rhythm breathing, and mindfulness practices. In the next part of the session, the participants listened to a narrative about cultivating the ‘compassionate self’, while maintaining the compassionate body posture, the friendly facial expression, and breathing in the slower, rhythmic way they had been taught.

Dr Kirby elaborates: “We invite the person to imagine that they are stepping into a version of themselves we call the compassionate self: one that has the qualities of wisdom, strength and commitment. It doesn’t matter at this stage whether the person believes they are this ‘compassionate self’, but the aim is to get a sense of what it feels like if they were this compassionate self (such as how would they go about their day, interact with others, etc.). If the person is finding it tricky, they have their mindfulness and breathing to support them, as well as their body posture and friendly inner-relating.”

Other sessions included elements of directing this compassion to others and increasing compassion for oneself. The participants received psychoeducation on the challenges of parenting and the stages of child development. They were also provided with a participant workbook and web link with the recorded guided audio tracks, so they could continue to practice the exercises at home.

The Result

When the parents were assessed two weeks after the intervention, their inadequacy form of self-criticism had reduced, their self-compassion had increased, and their stress levels had dropped. These were maintained at three-month follow-up. The children’s emotional and peer problems at post intervention were also reduced, and these were maintained at three-month follow-up as well. Additionally, child conduct and hyperactivity had reduced at three months, as had parents’ hostility levels.

“It’s thrilling because we got these results with only a two-hour seminar, and some practices which they could continue to use for a two-week period. With just that very light touch, they were able to shift how they related to themselves and how they started to relate to their kids three months later. Even though our parents were in the normal range (i.e. their parenting wasn’t problematic), we were still able to reduce hostility in the long-term. I had been confident, based on other empirical studies, that if you actively go for self-compassion you can increase it, but I hadn’t been sure about the extent of the ‘ripple out’. So, to also get the effect that we did on child outcomes was just fantastic.”

His follow-up qualitative study (which hasn’t yet been published) has identified some of the specific moments when the parents were using their newly learned “compassionate self”. “For example, one parent, upon seeing their child forget their lines in a school play, used their compassion to calm down and recognise that the child trying their best. Another time a parent said their child was struggling with homework and, instead of yelling at them for not doing it, they detached themself, and said, ‘Hey, what are you having difficulty with?’ They’re having these really emotionally charged moments when they’re finding that the training has been most helpful. So that’s ideal.”

Advice for therapists working with parents

For Dr Kirby, raising the topic of self-criticism can prompt some useful discussions: “First of all, just ask if they are self-critical. A lot of therapists don’t ask that, so if a parent comes to you and they’re experiencing difficulty, or needs some help with their parenting, it could be useful to explore. The questions could be simple (‘How do you feel about yourself as a parent?’, ‘On a scale of one to five, how critical are you of yourself with regards to parenting?’) or more complex (‘Ideally, where do you see yourself as a parent, where do you actually see yourself as a parent, and in those moments where you notice there are gaps, how do you relate to yourself there, and what do you say to yourself?’) From that opening up of the discussion, you can then help the parent see their self-criticism differently, and relate in a way that helps them be present when they really need to be for the kids. That way, when the kids are having a meltdown, instead of getting caught up in the mindset of ‘Jodie does this so much better than me’, the parents can instead think ‘I can see that they’re really struggling. Let’s just take a moment to ground myself and be present; there might not be any quick solution to this, but that’s okay’.

“For many parents, there is a fear of letting go of self-criticism: with parents thinking that if they don’t berate themselves, they’ll become even worse. “Our study is proof [that won’t happen]. We’ve got empirical data to show it will improve your parenting and your child outcomes.” Dr Kirby says. “Of course, we can never get rid of self-criticism entirely. The mind will always do this; the idea is to capture it when it occurs. The issue with criticism is that it never remembers the things you did well, whereas a self-compassionate mindset remembers those times.”

While raising children will always have its challenges, cultivating compassion in parents can help both them and their children to thrive – and, as this study shows, it might not take long to achieve at all.

Further reading

• Bluth, K & Eisenlohr-Moul, TA (2017). “Response to a Mindful Self- Compassion Intervention in Teens: A within-person association of mindfulness, self-compassion, and emotional well-being outcomes”. Journal of Adolescence, vol. 57, pp. 108–118.
• Hintsanen, M, Gluschkoff, K, Dobewall, H, Cloninger, CR, Keltner, D, Saarinen, A, Wesolowska, K, Volanen, SM, Raitakari, OT & Pulkki-Råback, L (2019). “Parent–Child-Relationship Quality Predicts Offspring Dispositional Compassion in Adulthood: A prospective follow-up study over three decades”. Developmental Psychology, vol. 55, no. 1, pp. 216–225.
• Hoang, NT, Kirby, JN, Haslam, D, Sanders, M (2022). “Promoting Positive Relationships between Parents and Grandparents: A randomized controlled trial of group Triple P Plus compassion in Vietnam”, Behavior Therapy, 53, 1175-1190.
• Hrdy, SB (2011). Mothers and Others: The evolutionary origins of mutual understanding. Belknap Press, Cambridge.
• Kirby, J.N., Grzazek, O., & Gilbert, P. (2019). “The role of compassionate and self-image goals in predicting psychological controlling and facilitative parenting styles”. Frontiers in Psychology, 10 (JUN) 1041, 1041. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01041
• Miller, JG, Kahle, S, Lopez, M & Hastings, PD (2015). “Compassionate Love Buffers Stress-Reactive Mothers from Fight-or-Flight Parenting”. Developmental Psychology, vol. 51, pp. 36–43.