Unforgiveness – Forgiveness Is Not The Only Option

What’s New?

We’re excited to share our latest handout, which focuses on Unforgiveness. This tool will help therapists in explaining what unforgiveness is, why people experience it, and how clients can change the feelings if they choose to.

What is Unforgiveness?

Unforgiveness is a state that people experience after being hurt. It usually involves a mix of emotions like resentment, bitterness, anger, and sadness. It can also come with certain thoughts, such as a reluctance to forgive or changed views about the person responsible, and particular motivations, like wanting to avoid the offender or seek revenge.

For many, unforgiveness tends to fade away over time. For others, these feelings can grow stronger if not addressed. Understanding this process can be an important step toward healing.

Are there benefits to unforgiveness?

Research has shown that unforgiveness can negatively affect various areas of life, including relationships, physical health, and mental well-being (Rapske et al., 2010; Seawell et all., 2014; Griffin et al., 2015). It may even contribute to certain disorders. However, unforgiveness isn’t always problematic. For example, a study by Kira and colleagues (2019) looked at how forgiveness related to health among Iraqi refugees. They found that those who held onto unforgiveness reported better health and lower PTSD scores.

Other potential advantages of unforgiveness include:

• Self-protection.
• Empowerment
• Increased self-worth.
• A way to communicate that certain actions are unacceptable.
• Prompt offenders to reconsider their actions.

Therapists should recognize that unforgiveness isn’t inherently negative. Many clients may need reassurance that choosing not to forgive can be as liberating as forgiveness. It’s important to explore whether forgiveness or unforgiveness is essential to their healing, and how these concepts fit with their personal goals and values.

Who is this for?

This resource is designed for individuals who might benefit from recognizing and exploring unforgiveness. It’s particularly useful for those who experiencing lingering feelings after an offence and are unsure how to move forward. It can also assist anyone who wants to learn more about the impact of unforgiveness and how to reduce it through helpful illustrations and practical guidance for clients.

How can it be used?

This handout describes what unforgiveness is, how people experience it, the effects it can have, and how it can be addressed. Therapists can use this information to:

• Educate clients about unforgiveness.
• Help clients reflect on their reactions to past hurts.
• Start conversations about the consequences of unforgiveness.
• Introduce strategies to reduce unforgiveness, including the choice to forgive.

When using this resource, it is important to be aware that pushing clients to forgive or encouraging them to forgive too soon might lead to misunderstandings. Creating a safe and supportive space for clients to explore their feelings at their own pace is essential. Premature or indelicate discussions of forgiveness can be detrimental to the therapeutic process.

References

• Griffin, B. J., Worthington, E. L., Jr., Lavelock, C. R., Wade, N. G., & Hoyt, W. T. (2015). Forgiveness and mental health. In L. L. Toussaint, E. L. Worthington, Jr., & D. R. Williams (Eds.), Forgiveness and health: Scientific evidence and theories relating forgiveness to better health (pp. 77–90). Springer.
• Jones Ross, R. W., Boon, S. D., & Stackhouse, M. R. (2018). Redefining unforgiveness: Exploring victims’ experiences in the wake of unforgiven interpersonal transgressions. (2009). The effects of post-retribution inter-group forgiveness: The case of Iraqi refugees. Peace and Conflict: Journal of Peace Psychology, 15, 385-413. DOI: 10.1080/10781910903158669.
• Rapske, D. L., Boon, S. D., Alibhai, A. M., & Kheong, M. J. (2010). Not forgiven, not forgotten: An investigation of unforgiven interpersonal offenses. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 29, 1100-1130. DOI: 10.1521/jscp.2010.29.10.1100.
• Seawell, A. H., Toussaint, L. L., & Cheadle, A. C. (2014). Prospective associations between unforgiveness and physical health and positive mediating mechanisms in a nationally representative sample of older adults. Psychology and Health, 29, 375-389. DOI: 10.1080/08870446.2013.856434.
• Wade, N. G., & Worthington J, E. L. (2003). Overcoming interpersonal offenses: Is forgiveness the only way to deal with unforgiveness? Journal of Counseling and Development, 81, 343-353. DOI: 10.1002/j.1556-6678.2003.tb00261.x.
• Worthington J., E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and reconciliation: Theory and application. Routledge.
• Worthington J., E. L., & Lamb, S. (2023). Forgiveness in therapy: The importance of careful definitions and realistic objectives. In: E. Pettigrove and R. Enright (Eds.), The Routledge handbook of the philosophy and psychology of forgiveness (pp.418-429). Routledge.