Assertive Responses

Being able to communicate assertively is an essential skill for developing and maintaining healthy relationships and positive self-esteem. Individuals with anxiety may find it particularly difficult to be assertive when interacting with people who are dominant or aggressive. A key skill is to be able to respond to the style of an aggressor’s message, not its content. This Assertive Responses exercise worksheet guides clients through the practice of responding assertively to aggressive statements.

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Introduction & Theoretical Background

Acting assertively is an interpersonal skill that helps people to maintain healthy relationships, resolve interpersonal conflict, and prevent their needs from being stifled or repressed. Examples of assertive behavior include saying “no”, refusing unreasonable requests, asking another person to behave differently, communicating clearly how an event or situation has made you feel (positive and negative), expressing an opinion, or pursuing one’s personal goals. 

Assertiveness can be understood as relational style that treads a middle path between being passive and being aggressive (Linehan, 2014; Butler & Hope, 1995). To strike the correct balance between passivity and aggression, assertiveness uses fairness as a guiding principle (Butler & Hope, 1995) both in terms of being fair to yourself and toward other people. During the 1960s, assertiveness was seen as a way for individuals to state and access their individual rights without infringing on the rights of others: “the protection of individual rights as a

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Therapist Guidance

A critical skill in responding assertively is to avoid being drawn into responding to an aggressor’s argument. An assertive response draws a boundary which says “I will not tolerate being spoken to in that way”. 

Assertiveness training requires the rehearsal and role-play of social interactions. In this exercise the therapist and client (or client and friend) practice in a pair. The therapist or friend says one of the aggressive statements, the client then responds with an assertive statement. 

“You are going to practice responding assertively to someone who is being aggressive towards you. The exercise sheet here has a list of unpleasant and aggressive things that people might say to you, or have said to you in the past. I am going to pretend to be aggressive and say one of these. You should then choose one of the assertive responses as a reply.”

Additional suggestions

  • After a few practice runs, ask the client

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References And Further Reading

  • Butler, G., & Hope, T. (1995). Manage Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide. Oxford University Press
  • Heimberg, R. G., & Becker, R. E. (1981). Cognitive and behavioral models of assertive behavior: Review, analysis and integration. Clinical Psychology Review, 1(3), 353-373.
  • Linehan, M. (2014). DBT Skills training manual. Guilford Publications.
  • Linehan, M. M., Goldfried, M. R., & Goldfried, A. P. (1979). Assertion therapy: Skill training or cognitive restructuring. Behavior Therapy, 10(3), 372-388.
  • Peneva, I., & Mavrodiev, S. (2013). A historical approach to assertiveness. Psychological Thought. Vol. 6(1).
  • Salter, A. (2002). Conditioned reflex therapy: The classic book on assertiveness that began behavior therapy. Gretna, LA: Wellness Institute.
  • Speed, B. C., Goldstein, B. L., & Goldfried, M. R. (2018). Assertiveness training: A forgotten evidence‐based treatment. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 25(1), e12216.
  • Wolpe, J. (1990). The practice of behavior therapy (4th ed.). New York: Pergamon.

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