Fair Fighting Rules For Resolving Conflict

Partners in long-term relationships need to live alongside one another whilst maintaining their own needs, goals and desires, which may conflict with each other. Conflict on its own does not damage a relationship, but the way a conflict is resolved can cause damage (Frey, Holley & L’Abate, 1979). Since disagreements and conflicts between people are inevitable, effective conflict resolution is critical to the maintenance of healthy relationships. 

Many people have not had the opportunity to learn how to deal constructively with conflicts, disagreements and aggression (Bach, 1969). Some will have negative assumptions or associations concerning conflict, often stemming from early relationships. Unhelpful assumptions might include “conflict is bad and something that should be avoided”, “their needs are more important than mine”, “disagreements are dangerous”, or “only one person can win” (McKay, Davis & Fanning, 1995). 

When faced with conflict, an individual’s underlying beliefs and assumptions are associated with different patterns of

If you are using fair fighting rules in the context of psychoeducation: 

We talked earlier about how you find it distressing when you have an argument with <person>. Disagreements occur in all relationships; the important thing is to disagree well, and to find solutions together without getting side-tracked by unhelpful ways of acting. One way to do this is to have both partners agree to use Fair Fighting Rules. Would you be willing to look at some of these rules with me? 

If you are using fair fighting rules to assess the qualities of past disagreements: 

Disagreements between people are unavoidable, but they don’t have to be a bad thing. Conflicts can help people work together and solve problems together, and when people can resolve arguments positively and find solutions, their relationships are stronger. I want to introduce you to some Fair Fighting Rules so that we start thinking about HOW arguments can

• Bach, G. R. (1969) Training Couples How to Fight Fair. Paper presented at the Seventh Annual Conference of Conciliation Courts, p.34-38
• Frey III, J.F., Holley, J. & L’Abate, L. (1979) Intimacy Is Sharing Hurt Feelings: A Comparison of Three Conflict Resolution Models. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, p35-41
• Lingren, Herbert G., "G99-1392 "Fighting Fair" in Marriage" (1999). Historical Materials from University of Nebraska-Lincoln Extension. 555.
• McKay, M., Davis, M., & Fanning, P. (1995). Messages: The communication skills book. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Pub.
• Nielsen, A.C. (2017). From Couple Therapy 1.0 to a Comprehensive Model: A Roadmap for Sequencing and Integrating Systemic, Psychodynamic, and Behavioral Approaches in Couple Therapy. Family Process, 56, pp540-557